User talk:Firebird2660

Hi, this is my talk page. Please tell me what you think of my story here. General disscusion is okay too.

My Story

 * As I promised you in our e-mail conversation, I'm here to give you a review for your story's prologue. The first thing I have to congratulate you on is your grammar. The average fanfic on BZP is practically written in chatspeak, while your epic had maybe a spelling error here and there and was otherwise perfect.


 * I like your writing style too. I love your description of Katarx Nui in Tarsan's section. Nice word choice and a good way to introduce the story's setting.


 * The concept of the story itself is good too. The entire "one Toa gives his power to six Matoran" thing was done by the actual story in 2004, but since these new Toa are not of the traditional elements and have not been brought to this status to defeat a Makuta and save their island, I can't say your idea is unoriginal. It also seems to take place in the Dark Mirror pocket universe (or a similar one), which automatically makes for an interesting story. The virus that turns Matoran into a state in between Matoran and Toa was also a nice idea, and I look forward to seeing where you go with that idea.


 * Anyway, I'd appreciate it if you could e-mail me when the story is updated so I can continue to read it and perhaps help you to improve. Aside from the beginning being reminsicent of the opening of Legends of Metru Nui, this story is nearly at the level of the actual Bionicle books, and is far better than some of the stories I've seen on BZPower. =) ToaAuserv ? ...BPAdmin 19:28, 12 April 2008 (UTC)

Yes, it is set in a universe very, very, similar to dark mirror, if not the same. I am unclear whether it is the same, as I've tried to keep it accurate so far, but under the circumstance that dark mirror contradicts something I already wrote, I'm not going to go out of my way to change it. Thanks again for reading, and I will tell you when I've made a decent amount of changes. Firebird2660 19:49, 12 April 2008 (UTC)

Also, Toa giving up power to create more toa is not exactly what happened. Lhakan was simply a channel for power built up in the katarx temple since long ago, and he retains his full power. A loss of hight and brute force was to transfer some of the matter needed to make the matoran into full size toa. As you will learn later, this was caused by a mask of transmuation. Firebird2660 14:01, 14 April 2008 (UTC) Okay, now I've officialy decided: The universe is dark mirror, except that the takanuva/lessovick/krakua/pohatu/etc. resistance failed, and all of them were killed.

--Firebird2660 The dark chronicler, Pheono! 23:29, 30 April 2008 (UTC)
 * Nice story, you should post if on BZP. I like your MOC on your user page, too. - Panaka lego  04:45, 3 May 2008 (UTC)

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. I have though of posting it, but I still have to learn the basics of BZP posting.--Firebird2660 The dark chronicler, Pheono! 23:54, 3 May 2008 (UTC)

My building
Please note all my building is directly connected to my story, so unfamiliar terms can be explained there.

Auserv
I built a version of Toa Auserv. See below: Firebird2660 The dark chronicler, Pheono!

A new signature!
I made a new signature! Firebird2660 The dark chronicler, Pheono! 00:11, 6 May 2008 (UTC) Or is this better? Firebird2660 The dark chronicler, Pheono!

No, this is best, I think. Firebird2660 The dark chronicler, Pheono!

Why it looks better
I created MediaWiki:AdminSkin which controls the default skin. I changed it from boring Monobook to this. MarioGalaxy2433g5 { talk /contribs/Logs} 21:32, 21 May 2008 (UTC) It is cooler, I admit- but it's not what I'm used to. I set my preferences to fix that, though. Firebird2660 The dark chronicler, Pheono!

Tales of the Katarx: Part One
Alright, here is my review, as promised. =)

Overall, this has been a great story. Your grammar has been great for the most part, you've kept a nice pace, and what is best of all is that you have refrained from narration, which means that your characters told the story instead of some unseen narrator. That's something you hardly ever see in Bionicle fan fiction.

Chapter 15 was probably my favorite chapter; the scene with Pheono and the battle simulator was very telling about his character. And the last chapter was very good as well, with Gaaki's redemption and the main character (well, I see Pheono as the main character, at least) having learned his lesson. It's a nice way to end a story. Or at least, Part 1 of a story.

In case you were curious, your story is just short of 6450 words long, which means if it were to be published, it would be about 33 pages long. Obviously, it's a bit short, but it is only Part 1.

In any case, I'm looking forward to Part 2. Please e-mail me when you begin to post it. =) ToaAuserv ? ...BPAdmin 01:06, 24 May 2008 (UTC)

Thanks for the review! In way of explanation, technicly the toa are the main characters, but Pheono alone has slightly more character status then an individual toa, so you could say he is the main character- but it's hard to say when the story is about the group.Firebird2660 The dark chronicler, Pheono!
 * Yeah, that's how it is in my story. The character Guutana has more importance over everyone, but the story focuses on all of the Toa-Kal.


 * Onto your actual review of Part 2... I rather enjoyed the section about the Darkbolts. It was quite interesting. Axonn's death was a bit awkward, however. I wouldn't say it was unnecessary, but it could've been better if he was killed later by an enemy. Don't worry about changing anything though, it's not a problem; just something to keep in mind for future writing. I liked the twist of having the Axonn, Umbra and Mutran working "underground" (literally =P) against Tuyet.


 * BTW, I'm sorry for the shortish review, I'm sort of in a hurry. I'll give you a longer review when you add more to Part 2. =) ToaAuserv ? ...BPAdmin 15:56, 14 June 2008 (UTC)