Staff of Loyalty

Fluttershy was hurtling through space toward a decommissioned space station. Slowly, she pulled her knees to her chest and closed her eyes as her bowels begin to expel hundreds upon hundreds of beautiful, symmetrical turds, brown as the day is long. She laughed like a young filly as her turds drift aimlessly behind her; they were like butterflies to a pony frolicking in the fields of Equestria.

She approached the station's docking port, babby rabbit in hoof, and prepared to float gently into its inviting confines. She extended her rabbitless arm jubilantly, as to celebrate the majesty and depth of space, and thank jesus christ for this ultimate gift and blessing. But suddenly, her outstretched leg collides with the outer rim of the docking port, and the trajectory of her quaggy body is violently halted.

The fates afford her barely enough time to turn her head before the turds arrive. One thousand turds, each one seemingly larger than the last. She tries in vain to cleanse her eyes of the shitsting, but succeed only in smearing her own fecal matter into a fine asspaste, which slowly seeps into her eyes and nasal cavity. She inhaled three hundred and twenty four Space Turds; her lungs are permeated completely with her own shit. She hung lax, spirit broken, defeated by poop. She will never be the same. And yet, the horrors had just begun.

She started at Equestria and dreamed of her home. She saw her babby animals being slaughtered helplessly by the named body of Christ, weilding a flamming Claidheamh Mor of eternal hatred, severing the legs off of her beloved woodland creatures. He screamed in the native language of his Arabic, shouting words that would bring about the end of all creation, his flaccid cock swinging violently as he pursued the herd of small animals, swinging his sword with all of his might and sending tiny flaming babby animal legs in all directions. The look of terror on his face was immortalized by the furious souls of former Michigan State Governors, who had sat in the spaceships when he was a young chirst and saved the world from the evils of 9/11. With his final burst of rage, he decapitated John Moses Browning, for creating the M1911, for the South could never rise again.